Wicked Mobile Phone

My phone is wicked! It runs on a modded battery and it has its own modded cooling system. I’ve just got to fill it up with hydrogen gas from time to time.

That means I’ve got to run an electrolysis bath with a gas hood at home. I plug it into the wall socket for a while until all the water has evaporated. I just put a scoop of washing soda in the water and it becomes an electrolytic solution. I pump the collected gas into a soda bottle with a bike valve glued to the bottom, and whatever doesn’t leak out gets injected into my battery-machine throughout the day.

Once I attach my hydrogen bottle to my battery machine, the gas gets injected into “the chamber.” It’s a heavy-duty ceramic sphere that holds a singularity and a strong magnetic field that contains the gravitational effects of the singularity. The atoms of hydrogen orbit the little black hole in opposite directions, and when they collide, they fuse! If it weren’t for the magnetic field generator, my battery would weigh more than the entire solar system!

Nuclear fusion is HOT. But that’s okay, because any excess heat gets sucked into the singularity; into the black hole; into the void.

So how do I turn this heat into energy you ask. I carry around a hydro-thermal generator on a little red wagon. There’s a copper pipe that carries the water from my 8 gallon – 30 litre – bucket of water into the battery. There it heats up rapidly, and it’s then transferred into my little turbine and back into the singularity for disposal. So by now you’re thinking I’ve got at least eighty pounds of stuff on my wagon, all to power a MOBILE phone. I’m basically carting around the weight of an eleven year old girl everywhere I go.

But here’s the up-side: my phone’s processor operates at 10 THz. That’s 10,000 GHz. That’s 5,000 times faster than your home PC. But it must operate at 10,000 degrees too you must be thinking. Nope! I just pipe all that heat into the black hole. I shoot it beyond the event horizon.

And what’s the point of all this? Well, now I can watch 2,000 YouTube videos simultaneously!

Uh oh! The boardwalk is starting to bend. The trees are leaning over. The clouds are falling towards me and the river is forming waves. Tell your family you love them. Make peace with your creator. Hold your children. My black hole is leaking out! I’m sorry I destroyed the wor…

T.

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